Mmmmmoooooore
Howard killed the feed because 9 had the worm. He'll be monstered in the press tomorrow. I can't clean this mess up. My hands are about to drop off. Sarah will fix it. This is a draft. God...
Rudd speaks first, worm in paroxsyms of orgiastic pleasure, reaching for the skies. Only drops when he starts in with the Peter Costello crap.
Howard's turn. Worm hits rock bottom and starts to dig. He also takes too long talking.
Question time.
Howard says he's awesome and keeps banging on about it's not all about the economic boom
Rudd responds. Why haven't we invested our wealth wisely? Wormy like. Oh wormy like. Who's your daddy Mr worm?
Qn: Rudd, you copy Howard, why should we throw him out?
Rudd: I'm an economic conservative.
Worm: I don't give a fuck, get back down there and keep hitting that spot. Oh yeah, that's it. More future. Wormy like. Oh, say climate change again.
Howard replies: You're not an economic conservative, you need to believe it!
Wormy: Meh.
Howard. Let me hit you with some Hansard... blah blah tax, blah blah voting.
Worm: meh.
Howard: Tarrifs?
Worm: nah.
Howard: OK. how about tax policy! Peter Costello.
Wormy: Do Not Want!
Qn: Howard leadership succession:
Howard: Peter will succeed me well into my next term. Here's some group love- Wormy, Me and Peter together. Alexander Downer!
(Worm throws up a little in its mouth. Still not breaking half way. Worm drops with every mention of Costello).
Rudd: Don't worry about the economy, I'm just like Howard. It's OK. Now, check this shit. Muthafuckin Howard as treasurer.
Wormy: Oh god! (Wormy goes weak at the knees).
Qn: Unions, Rudd, booga booga!
Rudd: Deflection. Howard has lawyers. Wormy hates lawyers. Also your team hates you. My team is diverse. James Hardie. Justice. Booya!
Howard: Lawyers are diverse. Union officials = teh bad. Wormy still hates lawyers. Especially short balding ones. Rudd smiles and takes some notes, winking at Wormy. Booga booga, wall to wall Labor governments.
Wormy: meh.
Qn, Alison: Economy's hot but how will you ease the squeeze? (Deja vu, anyone?)
Howard: I feel your pain.
Wormy: the fuck you do. OK, tax reform, Rudd copied.
Wormy:... tell me more...
Howard: Tax relief, here's some cash.
Wormy: I ain't no ho! Well maybe... keep talking. I feel flirty. Child care, education. etc.
Rudd: Tax, baby. I'm gonna take from the rich and be your sugar daddy.
Wormy: oh yeah!
Rudd: Tax rebates, school etc, tax rebates, costs of childcare etc.
Worm: Don't stop big Kev, don't stop!
Qn, Alison: Interest rates are coming, won't you make more interest rates hikes more likely?
Rudd: Don't you worry about that, baby. Education. Wormy: what did i ask you? Doesn't matter.
Qn: Will you say there will be no interest rate rises under a Rudd government?
Rudd: Howard was irresponsible to promise to keep interest rates at record lows. Wormy: hello sailor!
Howard: Monetary policy, debated surplus, help the reserve bank. Paul Keating.
Wormy: Who?
Howard: Reserve bank, independence. My interest rates are much better than Keating's.
Wormy: what does my ex have to do with it?
Qn: Apologise to home owners for interest rates.
Howard: Blah blah, no. Would I lie to you? Wormy: yes. Keating blah blah.
Qn, Paul Kelly: Interest rates, your $34 billion in tax cuts will increase them, Howard. Are you responsible for hiking rates? (this man works for gov. gazette?)
Howard: Interest rates, higher inflation. Surplus keeps interest rates low. Strong economy blah blah. I want to keep wages low.
Wormy: Wha? too much talking granddad.
Howard: (sweats).
Paul Kelly: scent of a wounded stag in his nostrils.
Howard's voice cracks. Wormy, why do you no wanna pay for me no mo?
Rudd: Hey baby, Let my hit you with more Howard as treasurer- You fucked up mate. I'm honest. Labor made mistakes in the past, I cop to them. You don't. I'm so honest, I'll only love you baby.
Wormy: Ruddy, don't stop talking lover. Rudd: Plan, education revolution.
Qn: Govt. gazette: You copy govt. you copy, tax revolution not education.
Rudd: We have a plan, for trades in secondary schools, kids education, numeracy. Kid's education, revolution.
Wormy: I still happy.
Rudd: Howard is going in the wrong direction, I take from the rich and give to the hospitals. Wormy like.
Howard: (losing it) HECS! OECD! Yells at Rudd and waves a finger. Wormy: settle down!
Qn, Laurie Oakes: The unions support you, won't you owe them and feed voters' kids to the ACTU?
Rudd: Don't worry about that baby, I'm flexible. I can do you any way you like. Don't worry, I'll bash the unions too. And baby, don't be sacred of the unions, they were there when good things happened with Hawke Keating. They cleaned up after granddad. (Libs in the audience are getting antsy and have to be told to shut up by the mediator). Howard's being slaugtered.
Howard: Booga booga, unions, no one is in a union so 70% is ridiculous. Internal labor politics. Former trade union officials.
Wormy: Meh.
Qn, Oakes: You have more IR plans in store don't you Howard? How do I know you won't rape me?
Howard: Don't worry, would I fuck you in the ass?
Wormy: (backs up against the wall and refuses to move).
Howard: come on baby, it's for the economy, I'll use lube.
Wormy: No!
Howard: It'll stop strikes!
Wormy: I don't know...
Howard: Workchoices is good for you! (Howard blathers on and on as he has for every question. Wormy falls asleep).
Qn, Oakes: You're lying aren't you? You hid IR legislation going into the last election and lied to voters, saying you had no plans for a uniform national IR system! Why would we believe you going into this election?
Howard: It was for your own good!
Wormy: You bastard! (dives down).
Howard: You'll get paid well if you take it up the ass!
Wormy: Really? I mean, No!!!
Howard: blathers on (and on and on) again.
Rudd: Good to get a word in! Howard's a liar! Interest rates, broken promises. He lied about Workchoices till you grabbed the the senate and tried to fuck wormy. Peter Costello will screw you too! And I won't fuck you in the ass. Look how many other people he's screwed? You can't trust him.
Wormy: mmmm... I like you.
Qn: Peter Hartcher. You want to cut greenhouse gases. How will you have progress markers?
Rudd: I'm good on climate change baby, my pad has aircon, Howard's got a sweaty tin shack. Targets, blah bah benchmarks. MY aircon's been installed by real experts!
Wormy:... nice...
Rudd: Howard and co. didn't want aircon, come to my place.
Qn: what would you actually reduce?
Rudd: Kyoto, blah blah. Wormy:... talk to me about the future some more honey... Rudd: The future. Worm: Ahhhh.
Qn: Paul Kelly: Targets, you need them.
Rudd, we already got them. The future. Wormy: that's the spot.
Howard: I believe in global warming blah blah, no targets though. We have a plan to upgrade the tin shack baby! Come back!
Wormy: Meh.
Howard: Blather blather. Cleaner coal. (cleaner coal?!)
Qn, Hartcher: Your fake Kyoto is a fake, Bush won't be bound by any targets.
Howard: I can tell Bush to join! Bush always does what I tell him!
Worm: I don't want to party with him!
Howard: It's ok baby i can control him.
Wormy: OK.... tell me more...
Rudd: China is critical. They won't act internationally because we won't sign Kyoto, I have morals and I'm thinking about babies, with you honey.
Wormy: Oh Kruddy!
Rudd: clean coal (wtf)? hybrids, renewable energy etc. Howard isn't comitted to climate change. He just wants to get in your pants. To put in his nuke reactor.
Wormy: OMG!
QN: Hartcher, Howard can you control Bush?
Howard: I can control Bush.
Wormy: the fuck you can. *plummets*
Howard: Baby I was a statesman at APEC.
Wormy: I still don't want to play with him!!
QN, Chris Ulman: Has terrorism gone up since Iraq?
Howard: No.
Wormy: I don't believe you. Oh wait, I do, I remember why I let you fuck me now...
Qn: Iraq is a terrorist training camp.
Howard: Al Qaeda is in retreat, I won't answer your question.
Rudd: Howard won't answer the question. British intelligence told us we'd be more at risk. Howard didn't listen baby. Iraq is a fuck up, worse than 'nam. More terrorists baby, he a bad man! Mick Keelty got monstered for telling the truth. I'm a tough man, string up the Tangos. But I also have a soft side, pay people to stop blowing shit up.
Qn: Will you withdraw all troops?
Rudd. All combat troops out. Staged withdrawal, baby. Everyone else will probably stay.
Howard: (knocks over his mike) I won't withdraw. Rudd has to withdraw all or nothing. I might withdraw them, they'll be doing training, don't worry.
Wormy: You're not Rudd!
Howard: I'll ask the yanks to let us leave.
Qn: Rudd, you do lots of 'me too'. What do you stand on?
Rudd: I'm strong on Iraq. I make pragmatic choices. I only protect Aussies from the death penalty. I don't intervene on the terrorists' side. I believe in the future.
Wormy: Don't stop Kruddy! Don't stop!
Rudd: the future, passion, core elements.
Qn: Reconciliation. Why won't you say sorry?
Howard: I'm sorry people were badly treated in the past. I have nothing to apologise for.
Wormy: I don't really like abos...
Howard: I'm your man, me and Mal Brough. And Downer.
Wormy: don't like Downer.
Howard: I'm going to send in more troops. I won't make a symbolic apology. Blathers on too long.
Rudd: We want to protect the little kids, it was terrible so we backed Howard, for the kids. (Wormy like). (Rudd Faces howard. Talks about respect and building bridges) . I like babies.
Wormy: Ooh Kruddy, build my bridge!
Rudd asks: IR, redundancies. Is it possible that you can lose redundancy pay?
Howard: No, you need fair compensation.
Worm: I could lose what??
Howard asks: If you believe in climate change why didn't you spend longer talking to Bush.
Rudd: He said don't talk about it. Bush wouldn't change his mind so I ditched him. I'm the man for the future, you slept for 11 years. *Bashes bush) You didn't talk to him at all. (Wormy orgasms).
Rudd qn: Iraq: Why should we believe you when you say you wouldn't send in more troops? It's like interest rates and Workchoices. You said before the last election that you had no plans to send in troops, then immediately after the election you doubled the number of Australian troops in Iraq,
Howard: You believe me right?
Wormy: no.
Howard: (waves the flag accuses Rudd of politicising the armed forces- haha) We'll beg the allies to let us leave. I'm good at begging.
Wormy. You smell like old man.
Howard: (blathers some more) What about making Bush look good?
Wormy: Fuck him.
Howard: You've talked about pricing and interest rates. Can you guarantee things like I do?
Rudd: We said we can do things to help, not say you've never had it so good.
Wormy: likes.
Rudd: Taxes, rebates etc. (Worm likes even more).
Rudd: I'm gonna investigate the petrol prices with our commissioner!
Wormy: Mmmmm petrol.
Rudd closing: I'm a kid from QLD. A kid with a plan, baby, it's gotta mean something. Feelings, and the future, baby, and passion and revolutions and broadband. And I'm all about the bush!
Wormy (creams its pants).
Howard: (Sounds tired, almost asleep) Beware of the promises, I have money. Big piles of money. I've been around a long time. A patchy plan on education, other than restarting the culture wars. We are heroic and lets be proud of ourselves (steals education revolution idea).
P.S. Annabel Crabb is a bobblehead.
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